Witches & B*tches of the Zodiac

Don’t get mad, get even; that is a statement these b words live by. The zodiac’s catty witches do more than fly on broomsticks wearing pointy hats, their wands are aimed and ready to cast an evil spell on the folks foolish enough to cross them, thus proving that women are the more villainous sex.  Moving beyond cliques, the women have established a coven of cruelty in their elements with a brand of barbarism all their own.

Watch it! They’ll stick the knife in without flinching. Photo found on designyoutrust.com

It all starts with fire. When they are under attack, or just plain vexed, fire signs believe the best defense is a good offense. Aries can be quite the ruthless savage, and rip you a new orifice with her murderous confrontations. If you challenge her ego, or hurt her feelings (because she’s actually quite sensitive) she will not hesitate to get in your face and literally lambaste you. A livid Aries can be likened to a banshee; there is plenty of screaming, flailing limbs, flying objects, and a lot of spit flying in your face. All of her dramatic acts are a warning sign for your impending doom, but her memory is too short for longstanding animosity.

Now Leo raises the bar for bitchiness, because she’s a bit more heinously patient than the Ram. Normally a Leo gal doesn’t get caught up in devilry, because she doesn’t like to dishonor her majestic status (that’s why you hire henchmen or an assassin), but she will decree diabolical punishment if you disrespect her.  It starts with her stare. Like Medusa, one icy glance will turn you to stone. Then the claws come out. Even if she’s a vegan Leo, she’ll have no trouble chopping up your pride, and serving it for dinner, should you get mouthy with her; Leo loves belittling people who think they’re bigger and better than her.

The third fire sign, Sagittarius, isn’t known to be very vengeful, but she is bad-tempered, and like the other 2, will get loud and violent. And like Aries, she will chuck objects at your head. Plus she’ll take a carving knife to your self-esteem with her painfully accurate truths, and incinerate your confidence. Because Sag is one of those careless signs, after your cremation, she’ll dance on your grave while laughing and joking maniacally.

Look! It’s the fire signs grave dancing. Photo found on creepypasta.wikia.com (Creepy Images/page 36)

The earth signs can be horrid hags too. Taurus holds grudges, and she also overvalues her importance in the world. The ugly side of Taurus is where you see her true, stingy colors. She believes the surefire way to get back at someone is to snub them; don’t talk to them, don’t look at them, don’t help them… you get the idea. So if you’ve cheated on her, she will brush you off and never speak to you for the rest of her life, but try to dangle herself in front of you like Rita Hayworth does in Gilda. She doesn’t have to kill you for you to be dead to her.

You wouldn’t think the dear, sweet Virgin could be accused of any sort of witchcraft, let alone dark magic, but believe me she can be just as foul as any of the other crones. Virgo won’t be outwardly callous or cruel, because of her introspective and repressive nature, but she will harbor resentment, and get critical, which is what summons her inner sadist. She gets crafty, and thinks up sensible ways to cause you pain. If you forget to acknowledge all the hard work she does, don’t be surprised to find a voodoo doll with your picture taped to it and pins shooting out of its neck. If you neglect her, she may let some rat poison slip into your gluten-free morning porridge. Bottom-line is: don’t underestimate Virgo.

Capricorn is a straight up sow with an unwavering belief in capital punishment, should you push her to that point. Her style is forthright and methodical; she’ll write out a mission statement, and treat your demise like a business deal. Though she has a classic approach to settling her scores, she’s not afraid to get dirty, or throw some low blows. Capricorn has all the qualifications to get the job done: determination, patience, and loyalty; she’s in this for the long haul.

Rita Hayworth in Gilda, could there be a badder bull? Photo credit: Gilda by PHOTUSGRAPHEIN on Flickr, found on flickr.com

The air signs  are witchy undergrads, they haven’t advanced into the upper stratum of sorcery like some of the other femmes, but they’re studying hard.  Gemini’s unique type of magic is mischief. Just like Eris, the goddess of discord, when Gemini is bored, her evil twin with idle hands tosses an apple of conflict into life to spice things up. People are her playthings, and her favorite pastime is pitting one person against another, especially if one of them has pissed her off. She can get pretty cunning with lies and gossip, and she’s both a backstabber and a two-timer. But Gemini calls on her inner Houdini before she gets caught. The way Gemini burns bridges would make even a Sagittarius sweat.

Libra can get snappy when she believes she’s been treated with prejudice, and but she will never allow her anger to show. She’ll look you in the eye with a smile on her face, hug you, and stab you right between the ribs. Ouch. She believes in fairness, so if you treat her badly, like the Scales of Justice, Libra will turn a blind eye to retribution. The magical part of Libra is how she manages to completely detach herself from your suffering, and rationalize the reasons why you deserve it.

But I think the Aquarius woman is the worst when it comes to justifying sadism. These two chicks are tricky, because they are so cold, and wrath usually requires a good amount of heat, but it is their lack of passion that works to their wicked advantage. Aquarius always keeps her cool, but when she is on the warpath, she’s calculating. She specializes in inventive forms of punishment that are specifically designed to cause as much mental distress as possible; we’re talking major mind games. She does everything subliminally. After you’ve crossed an Aquarius, you’ll walk away with a personality complex.

Some witches blow in the breeze, and lurk in the shadows. Photo found on capeplayhouse.com

The Water signs have carved out a little cave for their witchery where they practice emotional control and plot revenge. Cancer is a manipulative harpy, only not as loud, and twice as possessive. Her memory is sharp, she never forgets anything, and she uses the past against you. That could mean blackmail or psychological bullying. When her feelings are slighted, or she thinks you are abandoning her, she will go to great lengths to ensure you pay for it – quietly. Like Kathy Bates in Misery; Cancer will use every ounce of her desperation to control you. She nags, pouts, sulks, and sighs to exploit her feelings and yours. Guilt is the female Cancer’s secret weapon. She ensnares you in a web of remorse, so you are unable to sever any ties. If you run from her, she might just chop off your free will (or ankles).

Scorpio takes justice into her own cold, bare hands. There’s a swarm of spite swimming in Scorpio, and when she is betrayed, her revenge strikes. She believes in the “eye for an eye” philosophy, but takes it over the edge, and lobs off the entire head. What’s deliciously disturbing about Scorpio is that she is patient, her bitterness can outlive her, and she neither forgives nor forgets. She is the woman who will make you pay for hurting her for the rest of her life, by way of emotional and/or physical torture& torment. Then she’ll spend her eternity in the afterlife haunting you, just to make sure your punishment fits the crime, and your soul has been demolished.  Robert Plant sang, “The soul of a woman was created below,” and I think it’s safe to assume he was talking about Scorpio.

Now Pisces is the stickiest of the icky when it comes to being witchy. She’s a swamp of all the other sinister sisters. She’s cunning and scheming, fusing together Cancer’s emotional extortion, Virgo’s passive-aggressive homicide attempts, Aquarius’ mental manipulation, and Gemini’s disappearing act to create a hybrid brand of villainy. But her genius lies in her apparent innocence. She plays into her zodiac role as being a scared softy, so while you pity poor, petrified Pisces, she’s working behind the scenes to eliminate you. Anne Baxter’s title character in ‘All About Eve’ is a great example of Pisces’ power; she’s so sweet, unassuming, and oh-so-sneaky.

Always keep a watchful eye on those spurned water women. Photo Credit: Woman with gun behind her back by Helmut Newton for Wolford Stockings, 1995; found on lushlight.tumblr.com

And so we’ve reached the conclusion of our private screening of the zodiac’s femme fatales; we’ve learned that some signs believe in justice, while others believe revenge is a dish best served cold. But what I hope you’ve gotten out of this is that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. So whether you’re a lover, friend, co-worker or relative, my advice is to watch what you say, be careful who you cross, and watch your back.