Don’t Believe the Hype! 12 “Truths” about the Signs that are Actually Big Fat Lies

The zodiac signs would love you to believe their publicity. We have resource after resource telling us that Aries, Leo and Sagittarius are always independent, optimistic, and confident; or that Air signs are open-minded rationalists. Some of the more clever lies are told to elicit pity or promote an image of plainness. Regardless of falsehood type or magnitude, the signs have held to this persuasive advertising for too long. So here’s my list of the 12 astrology “truths” that are half-truths, fabrications, and fairy tales.

I’m giving these lies my right hook. Photo credit: Vogue Italia

Lie #1: Fire Signs are Confidence Incarnate

The myth around Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius is that they are impervious to scrutiny and radiate courage left and right, but this is just a smoke and mirrors act. They act tough and say they don’t care, but they do care– very much. There is an image of bravado these bold blokes must uphold in order to disguise the truth that each of them is secretly insecure and vulnerable. Both Aries and Sagittarius are terribly afraid of rejection, and quite sensitive (if only about their ego), but they counteract that exposure with abrasive and aggressive behavior.  Leo is petrified by the thought of being average, and wants to be looked up to, so they act cool in hopes that maybe art will imitate life. Even though they come on strong, these 3 are just big kids with a huge ache to be liked.

Lie #2: Earth Signs are Squares

Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn always do what they are told, and always stay with what’s comfortable, which builds up a massive amount of creative frustration that needs to be excreted. Earth Signs are closet freaks, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Inside every Virgo is a kinky mutant, waiting for the next cosplay convention; and a quiet rebel lies dormant in Taurus. Even though these signs are cautious, that doesn’t mean they aren’t crafty exhibitionists. Case in point: David Bowie, a Capricorn. With his elaborate costumes and stage persona (that doesn’t seem like a persona at all), would anyone describe Bowie as being a square? I think not! Earthlings just like people to think they’re normal, so their strangeness can slip under the radar, and they can still go to work without shame.

Lie #3: Air Signs are Unemotional

The refined intellectuals would like you to believe this statement, wouldn’t they? Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius are moodier than a mood ring, with emotional storms that would confuse the Weather Channel. They pretend to be all head and no heart, an act that only lasts until their first tornado-like temper tantrum. The airheads have emotional natures similar to toddlers – they pout, stomp around, and deny, deny, deny. Sophisticated stoics do NOT possess beastly emotions, nor do they act like children, therefore the air signs have no need for primitive reactions; they’ll just slam some doors, get snippy, and blame you instead. Tell them they are acting irrational, and they’ll react with “No sir! YOU are!” And when they’re not behaving like nap-zapped kindergarteners, they are as cold as ice, employing the silent treatment, because they want you to apologize for offending their level-head (A.K.A. hurting their feelings).

Lie #4: Water signs are always Whining, Brooding, and/or Boo-Hooing

So these signs are an emotional and ultra-sensitive bunch, but these particulars have been blown out of proportion. They weep ONE time watching a chick flick and suddenly every Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces is a colossal crybaby. Water natives aren’t always waltzing around dabbing at their eyes with a tear-drenched hanky; don’t take the adjective “emotional” so literally. I know plenty of Cancers who don’t sit around leaking from their eyeballs just because they felt remorse or nostalgia. And Scorpio? If you see a Scorpio cry in front of you, it’s because they just used Visine, or stubbed their toe, it’s not because they are sad. Water signs are moody and they mope and sulk, but they are just like the rest of us right-brained repressors who shut out feelings because they scare us, so go easy on them, will ya?

Lie #5: Fire Signs are Independent

They are reckless and rash, and (usually) leave a mess for other people to clean up to prove that they are self-governing signs; free to do what they want, when they want. But they play the part of rebel maverick to sell tickets to their one-man (or one-woman) show.  Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius are addicted to an audience. Without one, they are drained of the very substance that gives them brilliance and individuality. Like trained animals, these fiery lunatics strut every which way and perform their cute little tricks (like being daring) to gain applause. They may think they act according to their own will, but they are trained and obedient to the roar of the crowd, so any proclamation of independence is puffed up propaganda.

Lie #6: Earth Signs Live to Work

Virgo and Capricorn are responsible for this generalization that has everyone thinking Earth signs’ hearts beat for labor and duty. And Taurus is the sign that demolishes it, because the Bull lives for pleasure, not work, and rarely lifts a finger if he doesn’t have to. These humanoids can be hedonistically lazy, and indulge in the sensual pleasures of the earth just like any hippie, they just clean up better. We never think these practical people would partake in any unproductive activity, but they do. Taurus is arguably the most lackadaisical sign in the workforce, you’ll never find them jumping for joy if they are asked to stay late, and the only thing they live for is lying on the couch with buckets of food. Capricorn is only inspired to exert effort when there’s a lump sum involved, and Virgo works so they’ll have something to complain about. None of these bedrock buddies live solely for the 9-to-5 grind.

Tell Me No More Lies. Photo credit: Suzan Swale | Saatchi Art

Lie #7: Air Signs are Friendly because they Adore People

They enjoy social stimulation, and chatting with new and interesting individuals, but it is a purely scientific interest. People are a curious thing to zodiac airheads, a puzzle that always seems one piece shy of being solved, or a variable in the divine experiment of life – they’re not living, breathing things. The natural friendliness of Gemini, Libra, and (especially) Aquarius is a trap designed to lure unsuspecting subjects into the air sign laboratory for study. They aren’t interested in learning about your soul (sorry water signs) they’re just going to slurp data and information from your bones as they simultaneously pick your brain. People, experiments, test subjects; they are all relative terms in the air sign lexicon, so don’t take their affability so personally.

Lie #8: Water Signs are Helpless

This is a belief that the children of the sea have come to view as truth (except Scorpio), and it is also something that more aggressive signs assign to the aqua squad (because of the bellyaching and clinginess). Cancer and Pisces succumb to their own self-doubt and victimization as a ploy to avoid responsibility or hard labor. They’ve got just as much gumption and blame as anybody else; it’s just a bit more difficult for them to call on, or own up to it when needed.  Water signs morph into the martyr, usually through expertly employed emoting, to skirt accountability, and to escape. And the rest of the zodiac is too grossed out by the salty discharge dripping from the Water signs’ orifices, that we do and say anything to shut them up. This typically involves affirming their insecurities, and doing work for them. So they’re not really helpless, they’re just really good at subtle manipulation.

Lie #9: Fire Signs are the Warmest, Most Positively Benevolent Group in the Zodiac

These guys have a great PR department that makes us all believe Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius are spreading sunlight on the world like real-life bees, but they’re actually brutish thugs. They walk around completely deluded by the exaggeration that they are eternal optimists, high on their own ego, when they can be just as bitter as cold, black coffee. They are very self-involved, so if they are in a bad mood, or experiencing temporary setbacks, the whole world must feel the same way, and they will do a lot to ensure this happens. They can be big bullies and intimidate you into doing what they want. They are warm and magnanimous if they like you, but if you piss one of them off, they turn on their ice-blasting deathray, and annihilate you.

Lie #10: Earth Signs are Easy-Going

Nope! They are control freaks that go into cardiac arrest if you fiddle with their blueprints. Structure means a lot to these cave dwellers, especially Virgo, and you’ll find them spiraling into a pit of despair when things don’t go according to plan. Down-to-earth doesn’t mean relaxed and easy fit, these guys and gals aren’t a pair of Levi’s they are people; people who crave organization and order (except Taurus who pretty much lives in perpetual pig slop). Rules carry weight with Capricorn, so they wig out when there aren’t any limitations; and Virgo really, really, needs a schedule and a routine or they turn into a psychopath. Life makes sense when it fits into a certain category, with clean and careful lines separating work, home, and social, and earthlings are only calm when these separations are distinct.

Lie #11: Air Signs are Open-Minded

We can thank Aquarius for this whopper, their nondiscriminatory curiosity has us all believing that air signs are broad-minded ambassadors fighting for the liberation of logic. And they are! But only when that logic is sound, and is of interest to them. Present a subject they have no curiosity for, or something that does not fit into a systematic pattern (like emotions), and watch them reject and rip it to shreds without the slightest hint of objectivity. If you try to cram the subject down their throat, a gust of frosty hypocrisy slams the door of their mind shut, closing out you and your opinion as they stomp away in arrogant certainty. They’re right and you’re wrong, because they know it all! Yeah, that makes a lot of sense…

Lie #12: Water Signs are Dependent

This is a stereotype that has everyone convinced that Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces can’t do anything by themselves, and that they’re always relying on other people for support. Though more often than not, one of these 3 aqualungs is in fact a tag-along, and can latch onto you like Velcro, it’s not because they dread seclusion, it’s just a force of habit. The persistent company of water signs can make you think they’re performing a real-life reenactment of single White Female that ends with Pisces wearing your skin like Buffalo Bill, so it comes as a surprise to learn that these sea urchins really love their privacy and alone time. Isolation is sacred to them, it allows them to renew and recharge their emotional reserves to prepare them for the next cycle of social interaction, and it helps them become self-reliant. Just like in the other water myths, Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces have to become aware of their addiction to attachment in order to silence it, and let you breathe.

While the zodiac personalities would discount my stunning list as cock-and-bull make-believe, it has highlighted astrological hype. But don’t take my word for it; next time you’re with a Fire sign, check to see if they’re trying to get attention to make them feel better; or ask a Capricorn what they do for fun, the results will only prove my claims.