Your 2021 April Horoscope

Published in The Scribe

Aries ♈

     All eyes are on you, which is just how you like it. But don’t let the hype of other horoscopes swell your already large ego, otherwise you’ll end up like the AstraZeneca Covid vaccine. That is, everyone will believe you’re gonna save the day, when you’re really just a mess… 

Taurus ♉

     The Rock is a Taurus– not a horoscope, just a fun fact. Another fun fact: Taurus Pierce Brosnan is playing Dr. Fate in “Black Adam” alongside The Rock. The questions on everyone’s minds: 1. Who the hell casts these DC movies? And 2. Does anyone actually watch these DC movies?

Gemini ♊

     Give yourself a round of applause: you’ve gotten through one-quarter of the year. I’ll be the first to tell you, it’s pretty much all downhill from here. School, love, career– none of these will live up to your expectations. You’ve got two choices: get new ones or lower your standards… 

Cancer ♋

     Career path looking sketchy? Maybe it’s because you’re too afraid of taking the plunge. Get over your fear and commit wholeheartedly to your calling. And no, eating, laying around, and bingeing true crime shows on Hulu doesn’t count as a vocation. If it did, Taurus would already be doing it…   

Leo ♌

     Life isn’t fair: People don’t listen to your amazing ideas, nor do they tell you how much they love you or your new bangs. There’s a solution: move to another city / state / country and get new friends and/or new bangs; or, realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you… 

Virgo ♍

     You’ll inspire strong feelings in new acquaintances; they’ll either love you or hate you– no in between. It’s sort of like the reactions people have when they tell someone they eat pizza with ranch dressing: on one side are the people disgusted, on the other are your new best friends…  

Libra ♎

     Last week, Lonzo Ball reportedly demanded $20 million in free agency trade talks. The NBA player has done virtually nothing of merit yet he still considers himself a hot game piece. Maybe you should take a page out of the so-called star’s book and do something ballsy for a change…  

Scorpio ♏

     Self-care is muy important right now. But if your idea of self-care is guzzling a Mountain Dew Baja Blast while sliding down Pikes Peak on a kayak, then you might need to reevaluate your life choices. Or go to a licensed physician. No horoscope can help you with these issues…   

Sagittarius ♐

     Soulmates aren’t real, they tell you. Well, whoever “they” are, “they” can shove it, because soulmates are real and you’ve got the evidence to prove it. Years ago, you met your soulmate and it went by the name of Paradise Punch Go-Gurt. Your taste buds have never been the same… 

Capricorn ♑

     Cranky? Maybe it’s because you’ve spent an entire year at home with family. Don’t lie, we all know you secretly love the company, since you’re such a loner. The crankiness is just part of your Severus Snape routine. (Btw, this isn’t a horoscope, I’m just spilling the T on y-o-u.) 

Aquarius ♒

     All your life you’ve dreamt to make the impossible possible. Well, now’s your chance hotshot. So what if your dream is to teach squirrels to square dance? If MTV can bring back “The Real World / Road Rules Challenge” and act like it’s a new show, then literally anything is possible…   

Pisces ♓

     Pisces Shaquille O’Neal owns 17 cars. That doesn’t have much to do with you or your horoscope, but it is absurd. One day you might also own 17 cars, if only you can get over your obsession with cryptocurrency. In the real world, you need real money, not digital cash…

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