Your 2021 September Horoscope

Annnd somehow we’ve found ourselves in month nine of 2021. How we got from January to now, I’ll never know, but what I do know is that September 2021 is chock full of planetary transits. And there is at least one planetary that is guaranteed to shake up your world even more than the realization that summer is officially o-v-e-r. 

     I’m of course talking about that pesky nat of a transit, Mercury Retrograde. The planet of communication begins its perceived backpedal through Libra on Sept. 27th– but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Before we start talking about the end of September, we must first discuss its beginning and middle. And what a beginning and middle this month has.

     On Sept. 6th, we have a New Moon in mutable earth sign Virgo. New Moons in earth signs are especially potent for intention-setting, because they put reality in our corner. Through the detail-minded energy of Virgo, we’re hard-pressed to find a better lunation for dotting all the i’s and crossing all the t’s necessary to manifest our dreams. 

     Starting Sept. 10th, Venus, the planet of love, lust, and relating, enters mysterious Scorpio, dialing up our desire for intimacy and shared secrets. Mars, the planet of action and energy, enters airy Libra on Sept. 14th, revving up our collective yearning for activity and partnership. 

     On the 20th, we have a Full Moon in Pisces, the sign of romance and daydreams. Emotions always run high on full moons, but this one may be too much for some signs to handle.

     Autumn officially begins on Sept. 22nd, when the Sun enters Libra, and our aforementioned yearning for newness and camaraderie gets even more yearning-full. (Is that a word? It is now!)

     Oh, but enough with the sexy foreplay. It’s time for the good stuff.

     Your odd, vague, and slightly saucy 2021 September Horoscope

Wait, wouldn’t you rather listen to these horoscopes than spend several minutes scrolling through and reading them? Of course you would! So head on over to Cosmic Chronicles: Astrology with Cosmic Cannibal to hear me recite your hilarious and deliberately vague and slightly saucy 2021 September Horoscope. Then you can read them.

Aries ♈

As you aim to conquer this thing called life, the Virgo New Moon helps you get your sh*t together. Like Lizzy Mcguire, you tend to live in your head, thinking up big-picture goals you never end up achieving, but this New Moon carries a message: master the details and you’ll manifest your dreams. (The reverse is also true: don’t do that and you won’t do the other thing.)

     Venus in Scorpio makes your romantic feelings urgent and intense. You’re dying to set a thirst trap. Trouble is, you may be intensely lusting after something (or someone) you can’t have. Challenges and chases do get your motor running, but if you can’t actually win the prize, what’s the point in fighting for it? When Mars enters Libra you work best alongside others to complete any projects or goals; compromise is your best friend. 

     It’s all high vibes on the 20th, thanks to the Pisces Full Moon. Your imagination and intuition surge, and a person from the past resurfaces and tugs at your heart strings. This person may not actually be real. In fact, they may be a ghost and you two may get it on like that sexy pottery-making scene in Ghost

     Libra season starts Sept. 22, and this once again puts partnerships front and center. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be spending more time with your significant other; and if single, you’re more than ready to mingle. Mercury turns Retrograde on the 27th, and with it comes verbal misfiring between you and your partners. My advice: don’t be afraid to tell them you’re sorry– even if they are a ghost… 


Taurus ♉

The Virgo New Moon falls in the area of your chart that rules love, creativity, and games. This is excellent news if you’re looking to start a new creative project, go on a date, or buy a lottery ticket. (Sidenote: Cosmic Cannibal does not condone or endorse gambling. She only uses it as source material for her so-so jokes.)

     Venus in Scorpio turns the volume of your magnetism all the way up (but not so high that it’s annoying). Partners, whether business, romantic, or scholarly, find you fetching AF. This transit also arouses your intuition. You easily see into the motivations of others the way Dr. Strange sees infinite realities. Mars in Libra brings some action to your workplace. Think: you and a fellow employee riding a tandem bicycle without shoes!

     Your social life and artistic sensibilities bloom in the days leading up to and away from the Pisces Full Moon. A group endeavor reaches its peak and you’re ready to move forward towards your bigger aspirations. If that doesn’t apply, I don’t know what else to tell you. 

     Libra season brings balance to your work environment and makes interactions with coworkers or fellow students a lot more relaxed. If you overdid it during Virgo season (eating, drinking, partying, etc.), then Libra season will gently remind you to overdo it some more because Libra is not known for its self-discipline. Mercury Retrograde on the 27th may cause a few hiccups and make it challenging to stick with any new health/wellness routine. Don’t beat yourself up. Remember, patience is part of the growth process. So too are pumpkin spice lattes… 


Gemini ♊

Great news: the Virgo New Moon stirs up your need for order. J.K.Rowling, that’s not great news, but organization is the name of the game on the 6th. You may finally reorganize your living space. Or maybe, just maybe, you organize your personal space. By that I mean your head, because we both know it’s been jumbled lately. 

      Venus in Scorpio urges you to take a deep dive into self-care. If you’ve been avoiding the doctor (the dentist, the chiropractor, or your therapist, etc) the way I’ve been avoiding reality, then checkups and wellness seem 100% more appealing during this time. Starting the. 14th, Mars in Libra revs up your desire for drama, making you flirty and eager for temporary partnership. Aim to constructively express these desires. Start writing, painting, or playing tennis again. Go see a play. Even better: Download a dating app and flirt with strangers on the internet until you get bored. Whatever you do, don’t start drama just for the hell of it. 

      The Pisces Full Moon on the 20th sees you doubting your career path and life goals. Good thing Libra season turns that all around. Starting Sept. 22nd, your muse is at your beck and call.  For five days, that is. On the 27th, Mercury turns retrograde in Libra, causing bedlam in your creative brain. Rather than begin anything new, it’s wiser to return to pre-existing creative projects– be they poems, would-be novels, or that masterpiece painting you have yet to complete. Because most of what is started during Mercury Retrograde seldom sees the finish line….  


Cancer ♋

Change or no change? You always say nay to change, but the Virgo New Moon brings major and minor changes to your social group as well as your hopes and dreams, potentially bringing some promising opportunities for growth. That’s personal growth, not a mysterious mole-on- your-inner-thigh-type of growth. 

     Venus in Scorpio sends your love life smoldering. If single, you’re only interested in deeply passionate connections; and if in a relationship, you and your partner stoke the fire (I think we all know what that’s a euphemism for: inciting anarchy. Wait, what?) With Mars in Libra, you suddenly want to redecorate your room or move altogether. Trouble is, you can’t decide what it is you want to change more. 

     The Pisces Full Moon on the 20th leaves you crying over your life expectations like how I cried when I heard Britney Spears was free from the tyranny of her father. Your intuition is particularly strong at this time, and your emotions are dialed way up. As restless as you may feel, it’s best to breathe and stay positive.

Home and family become a primary concern during Libra Season. Uninterested in the outside social scene outside, your casa becomes the hive for all social activities. Mom and pop may also stop by for a visit; if they’re still your roomies, life together is much more peaceful. But Mercury Retrograde may cause communication commotion. Rather than shut out all the noise and retreat into your shell, you should instead aim to address confrontations directly. Most miscommunications arise because of silence, anyway…   


Leo ♌

Look at your financial resources. Do you feel that everything is up to snuff? The Virgo New Moon presents an opportunity to manifest more moolah and make the most of your natural talents. And no, simply being you doesn’t count as a natural talent. (Trust me, I Googled it up. I also Googled up “new snapchat filter.” Why? Stay tuned.) 

     Venus enters Scorpio on the 14th, instigating a much quieter vibe at home. If you’ve got roomies, they’re not getting under your skin as much. Probably because you’re intensely focused on beautifying your personal space. Or you’ve just accepted them as a temporary cross to bear. Mars in Libra energizes your social life, bringing a flurry of texts, emails, and DMs from your closest friends and family. You’re scheduling dates and drinks like a Tom Arnold. Wait, do you not know who Tom Arnold is? Well, he was married to Rosanne Barr– you don’t know who that is either, do you? Oh well, moving on. 

     The Pisces Full Moon on the 20th has you feeling all the feels. There could be an emotional crisis involving loved ones and maybe even an inheritance or deep-rooted secret. Whatever happens, it’s best to cry it out and post pics of yourself crying on Snapchat because their filters can make you look like anything other than a sad sac! (The hot one to try right now is “Vogue Noir,” according to Google.)

Beginning the 22nd, Libra Season emphasizes your need for self-expression. Whether this means you write your ass off or decide to try your hand at stand up comedy, the goal is that you creatively express your thoughts as best as you can. Come Sept. 27th, Mercury Retrograde musses up your plans, but it doesn’t stop you. Nothing stops you!


Virgo ♍

The New Moon on the 6th is all about you, your aims, and your wants. Selfish though it might seem, it’s OK to focus on you. This New Moon is like another birthday, so make your wish count… 

     Venus in Scorpio see your social calendar filling up, and all you want to do is share deep discussions with friends and family. Your sensitivity to beauty is especially sharp, and you may find yourself awing at every sunset like some hippie on shrooms. Mars enters Libra on the 14th and with it comes the incentive to make more money. This could be because you want to spend more money on pretty (yet purposeless) nick-knacks. Be mindful of wasteful spending.

     You’ll be concerned with your partnerships (or lack thereof) on the 20th. The Pisces Full Moon emphasizes the importance of one-on-one relationships, and you might get a bit emotional about your current relationship status. Whether single or dating, you feel disillusioned by love.

     When Libra Season kicks off on Sept. 22, your focus shifts to your possessions, property, and self-appreciation. This is the time to take stock of your belongings– both physical and personal –and see what makes you happy and what can make you money. As Marie Kondo says, if it doesn’t strike joy, you should chuck it (I’m paraphrasing). By the 27th, Mercury Retrograde may mess with your budget, so refrain from making any major purchases. Chances are you won’t like them… 


Libra ♎  

Life feels confusing in the days leading up to the Virgo New Moon. The noise and activity of the world interferes with your equilibrium, so you may need to hole away from everyone and everything to contemplate your feelings and your confusion. In other words, people are really draining the life out of you and you just want to be alone. This is how The Unabomber felt before he, you know… 

     Your ruling planet, Venus, enters Scorpio on the 10th, and with it comes a compulsive yearning for self-indulgence. You’re eating out more, buying more clothes/makeup, and just treating yo’self. When Mars enters your sign on the 14th, it acts like a preview to your birthday season. Suddenly, you have energy– and lots of it. You can constructively target this sudden burst of life by motivating those alongside you. This is a great time to tackle challenges– particularly physical challenges –and propel yourself forward.

     On the 20th, the Pisces Full Moon ends any current health/wellness routine you’ve been kinda, sorta thinking about doing. Don’t get bogged down by what you haven’t yet done, and instead look at this as an opportunity to start over.

     Speaking of starting over, on the 22nd the Sun enters your sign and you feel reborn. Like the Mars in Libra transit, you’ve got oodles of energy and a desire to get sh*t done. Bonus: Your confidence and creativity are as bright as the Sun. By the 27th, Mercury Retrograde in your sign has an adverse effect on your communications. Watch that you don’t argue unnecessarily… 


Scorpio ♏

Sept. 6 is a big day for your hopes, wishes, and dreams. The Virgo New Moon inspires you to get methodical about what you want to accomplish in the months ahead. Friends– whether new or old –may also play a part in this grand scheme to actualize your dreams. 

     The good vibes keep flowing when Venus enters your sign on the 10th, and your magnetism is at an all-time high. People can’t keep their eyes off of you! (better their eyes than their hands, right? Here, that Cuomo??) But your energy may wax and wane. Mars enters Libra in that part of your chart where planets typically like to sleep then suddenly wake up like a old guy with sleep apnea. Those aforementioned admirers will simultaneously exhilarate and exhaust you.

     The Pisces New Moon on the 20th may cause some misunderstandings in your love life or with a creative project. Rather than abandon ship, think about what you need from or out of this relationship/project. Is it reassurance or clarity or compassion? Only your intuition has the answer. That or AskJeeves– is that still a thing?

     By the 22nd, Libra Season see you retreating into your private world. This private world can take many forms– your bedroom, your imagination, your childhood treehouse –but its purpose is the same: you just want to get away from people for a little while. The forced isolation works wonders on your creativity. And really, a retreat into a safe space isn’t a bad idea, since Mercury turns retrograde on the 27th and brings with it self-delusion and misunderstandings… 


Sagittarius ♐

Save your optimism and energy for your career goals, because the Virgo New Moon on the 6th is all about that vocation. At work, you may get an opportunity for advancement. Or you’re just given more responsibility and– surprise, surprise –you aren’t whining about it. In fact, more work may be just what you need to truly succeed.

     Venus in Scorpio is in that part of chart that rules romance and fantasies. If you decide to start seeing anyone during this time, you’ll keep the fling hush-hush; and if you’re single, you’ll spend many nights and days daydreaming about your one true love (whether they’re real or not). Mars in Libra motivates you to take a more active role in your groups (this includes work and study groups, btw). Of course, this urge to merge with the collective may only be for appearance’s sake, but you’ll benefit from the effort nonetheless. 

     The Pisces Full Moon puts a spotlight on your home life. If you’ve been overworking, you probably haven’t had a chance to just chill on the couch. Unless your job is being a professional couch potato. I wonder if that’s how Mr. Potato Head got his start…

     Libra season accelerates that previously mentioned desire to get cliquey with others. Socializing is your biggest aim. That and overwhelming social media with verbose posts about your every thought. Here’s a thought: don’t turn your DMs into quotes — even if it’s a TikTok trend. Mercury Retrograde on the 27th may just put a stop to these excessive updates, which is good news for every one of your friends or homies or whatever they’re called now. 


Capricorn ♑

Connect with that part of you that dreams big, because the Virgo Full Moon wants you to grow your goals the way Pinterest keeps telling me to grow my glutes. But you must first understand your values. Otherwise you could grow the wrong goal (and nothing is worse than growing the wrong goal).

     With Venus in Scorpio, you’re all about your social life– so long as the connections are worth your while and the conversations are as meaningful as they are provocative. Superficial interactions and friendly flings do not interest you right now. Mars in Libra helps you assert yourself at work the tactful way. Rather than bossing everyone around and demanding that they all respect you, you’re more inclined to commend others for their efforts. This flattery gets you everywhere. 

     The Pisces Full Moon has you feeling curious yet confused, like how I feel when searching for something to watch on Netflix. Should you take a short trip to clear your head? Or should you jot down your worries? Chances are, you’ll do neither. You prefer to push through pain, but it might behoove you more to chat it out with a neighbor or sibling you trust. 

     Libra Season brings more action at work. This might be when you’re finally recognized for all the hard work you put in, but you might also be obsessively yearning for recognition. When are you gonna learn that you get that which you seek by ceasing to seek it? Mercury Retrograde makes work as confusing as that last sentence of mine. (Actually, it’s not confusing, it’s wise. Thank you very much.)


Aquarius ♒

Approach the Virgo New Moon as you would a radioactive spider. On the one hand, it could give you super strength; on the other hand, it could cause a severe crisis, the likes of which would require other people’s money to sort out. If only you had an Uncle Ben to give you a big fat inheritance. In reality, the New Moon may help you take a relationship to the next level.

     Venus in Scorpio does for you what Mars and Sun in Libra do for Capricorn, minus the antagonism. Work flows with greater ease and you may fall head over heels for one of your superiors. That, or a superior falls for you! (It’s strictly platonic, though). Mars in Libra could see you contemplating marriage, but it could also have you gaga over some grad school or ayahuasca retreat overseas. Either way, idealism is high.

     The Pisces Full Moon shines bright light on your resources. If you’ve been overspending or even doubting yourself, you won’t be able to avoid it any longer. Good thing too, sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. 

     Libra Season has you aching for a travel or study buddy. You’re also so inspired by life and other cultures that all you want to do is write. If you do decide to book a trip, Mercury Retrograde will cause several reschedules. And if writing, it’s best not to start a new project. Instead, revise your novel. You know the one about a ghost carnival or something…  


Pisces ♓

Partnerships– esp. romantic ones –are almost always on your mind (are you an Enneagram 4?), but they are particularly fascinating on the Virgo New Moon. Someone may aks you out on a date, or you might get flirty with one of your classmates. Either way, there’s an opportunity to manifest a soulmate… 

     When Venus enters Scorpio, you fall in love with adventure. As much as I’d like to say this means you take an exotic trip to Greece and fall for a Greek hottie like Lena did in Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2, there’s a higher chance that you’ll discover a really awesome fantasy book series and read it any chance you get. (sidenote: as it pertains to STP2: I find it highly unrealistic that four teenage girls were able to ship a pair of jeans internationally without any trouble whatsoever. Last time I checked, US customs was a bee-otch.) But anyway, Mars in Libra gives you the boost of power you need, and has you feeling those witch vibes way before Target puts out the Halloween decor.

     The Full Moon in your sign dials up your emotions even higher than usual. Do as Madonna instructed back in 1989 and express yourself!

     Libra season sees you embracing your passions and aiming to make it happen (trademark Flashdance). What it is, depends on you who and what your passions are. Oh, but Mercury may make such a intimate self-exploration more challenging.