Written by 3:45 pm Horoscopes

Your Libra New Moon Satiriscope is a Game Changer

Seriously, consider the game CHANGED. What game? Idk. THE GAME.

This piece is originally published in The Haven on Medium.com

Even a cynical Capricorn will have to admit that this 2022 Libra New Moon is a serious game changer. Wait. I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start over.

On Sept. 25 we have our ninth new moon of 2022, and this one takes place in fair-minded Libra (like, duh. I mentioned that already). In astrology, Libra is one of four cardinal signs, all of which love to do one thing: lead, initiate, and start new projects. (That’s three things, but whatever.)

Helping create a plan of attack for any and all potential projects and ideas on the 2022 Libra new moon is the trine between Mars, the goal-getting planet, and Saturn, the planet of planning.

The aspect between the two planets is…good news? Idk. Tbh, Saturn’s like that old crusty uncle with the slow-moving colon: he takes forever getting shit done and no one really wants him around. (Seriously, put Saturn in a nursing home already.)

But wait, there’s more.

Love planet Venus and Mercury retrograde are aligned in Virgo, which is only good for Virgo and maybe a couple of the water signs. Moving on.

Retrograde Pluto, the planet of transformation, is high-vibing with Venus and retrograde Mercury. This transit might summon your inner Ali-Larter-from-Obsessed (you know, that shitty 2009 movie starring Ali Larter and Beyonce), making you a mite more obsessed with someone. It could also resurrect something from the dead: a mummy, your cat, Ali Larter’s career…

If you read this post-new moon, it still applies — you just have to do some time traveling and soul-searching. And if you read this the day of the new moon, then cool beans. Either way, what all this astrological mumbo jumbo means depends entirely on your zodiac sign, so without further ado:

Your 2022 Libra New Moon Satiriscope

Shitty digital art by Author

Aries ♈

An asshole adversary could try and cause problems for you–or vice versa, if you’re the adversarial asshole. In either case, you should make like SpongeBob and Patrick, and become BFFs. I mean, if a starfish and an anthropomorphic sponge can make it work, so can you and the office asshole…

Taurus ♉

This New Moon brings some order into your work space. It’s high time to tidy up that mess you call a desk. Pluto makes the cleaning seem like a transformative experience — and it very well could be, because your office is a PIGSTY, and it needs to be cleaned like, ASAP…

Gemini ♊

Gratitude is the attitude that best serves your goals today. Be grateful for what you already got to summon what you really want. Unless, what you really want is to be un-Federally indicted and unprosecuted, because those aren’t real things. (This horoscope is for Gemini Prez Donald Trump, btw)…

Cancer ♋

Create some peace in your homespace and stop being a crab. You need the right people and props around you, but you also need to adjust. So, if your wife’s sister is moving in and you don’t like it, you could: a) get over it, or b) get another wife…

Leo ♌

Look out: an important person (like, say, your crush) may reach out via text, email or DM. Their sexy message could initiate a whirlwind flirtation between you two. Buuut if the person says anything — and I mean anything — negative about your hair, you’ll drop them like John Stamos dropped Rebecca Romijn Stamos…

Virgo ♍

Vow to utilize your skills and make that money. To do this, you should concentrate on building your assets. If you’re unsure about what those assets are…I can’t help you, because I don’t know you. However, I can suggest that you mine some bitcoin or, idk, buy a crochet kit…

Libra ♎

Like a second birthday, this New Moon is all about you. It’s a rare opportunity to solely focus on your intentions in life, love or whatever else you do and are interested in. Pluto pushes your buttons at home, pushing you to renovate your living space. Lowe’s, here you come…

Scorpio ♏

Supreme sensitivity has your imagination and intuition surging. It’s almost like you’re running from Vecna in the Upside Down. Pluto heightens your emotions and you can channel this emotional energy towards your personal aims and goals. Or, you can let it blind you the way Vecna blinded Maxine — ooh, too soon?

Sagittarius ♐

Surprises are on their way and they have to do with work / friend / social group. Maybe you all decide to work on a project together like kiddos at camp. Maybe you don’t! Anything can happen, including a mutiny. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just write about them…

Capricorn ♑

Commit to pursuing your professional goals. You’ve got the crustiness needed to make whatever you want happen and Pluto increases it, so just keep your eye on the prize. There may even be an exciting opportunity to transform your role at work, via a promotion, project lead or cryogenic experiment…

Aquarius ♒

Altruism runs high, and you feel as generous as Ellen or Oprah. Maybe you give someone a car, or… a really encouraging pat on the back? Pluto pushes you to move out of your comfort zone so you can grow your goals (or your glutes, if you’re into that)…

Pisces ♓

Pluto provokes you to plunge into your hopes and manifest the life of your dreams. An emotional crisis is almost a guaranteed guest, because you’re all about that drama, bb. Silver lining: Your intuition is as sharp as a Gillette Venus Razor–which reminds me, I’ve gotta go shave my pits…

Want more astro-logic from Cosmic? Head on over to my astrology podcast, Cosmic Chronicles: Astrology with Cosmic Cannibal and/or TikTok to hear this satiriscope and many, many more. I probably should’ve mentioned that before. Oops..