Written by 12:51 pm Horoscopes

Like Jaws 3-D, Retrograde Jupiter in Pisces is a Gift that Keeps on Giving

Dennis Quaid himself will approve of these satiriscopes

Published in The Haven

     For a limited time only (Oct. 28 thru Dec. 20) Jupiter, the astro-planet of growth, expansion, and Draft King winnings, is retrograde in dreamy and oh-so whiny water sign Pisces. Lucky Jupiter has already been retrograde for some time–Don’t believe me? I don’t really care–but the gas giant is circling back through the constellation Pisces, once again lighting up that part of your chart that the Fish call home. (Click here for more about Jupiter in Pisces.)

     Of course, WTF this means for you, depends entirely on your zodiac sign. So, without further ado: 

Your 2022 Retrograde Jupiter in Pisces Satiriscope

Aries & Aries Rising ♈

Jupiter re-glides into your 12th House of the Unconscious and takes a nap.

     During this nap, your psychic space expands. Expect an overflow of visions, hunches, and delusions of grandeur, which, let’s be honest, you already have. If there’s one sign that thinks itself above all the rest, it’s yours. Don’t believe me? That’s because you’re too wrapped up in yourself to see the TRUTH. Open your motha fuckin’ third eye, Aries…     

Taurus & Taurus Rising ♉

Jupiter re-high fives your 11th House of the Collective.

     Opportunities for freedom expand, but only present themselves in a group setting. So, join a cult! You’ll think it trippy how free you feel when you and your “crew” all drink Kool-Aid and put on sweatsuits together to stargaze as one. You could also join Twelve Tribe. They’ve got a nature-first mentality that could be right up your hippie-dippie alley… 

Gemini & Gemini Rising ♊

Jupiter re-struts into your 10th House of Career and Status

      Professional dealings expand. You either get promoted, get a raise, or get a fucking clue about what you want to do with your life because we both know you, of all the signs, can’t stick to a decision to save your life. (Seriously, you put indecisive Libra to shame.) Hey, this could be the time to figure shit out. Or not. Idk.… 

Cancer & Cancer Rising♋

Jupiter re-soars through your 9th House of Higher Aspirations

     Study abroad, travel abroad, or hell, go to a bar and flirt with a broad. LOL. JK. Whatever you’re currently busying yourself with, you’re gonna re-attempt a quest to understand yourself and the world around you, and IMO, the only way to do this is by getting and staying as inebriated as The Weeknd. I’m talking: alcohol, ganja, psychedelics, etc…  

Leo & Leo Rising♌

Jupiter re-creeps into your 8th House of Secrets, Shared Resources, and Spirituality. 

     Get ready to get witchy and bitchy again. I’m talking: seances, candle rituals, exorcisms and hex-orcisms. (Hey, it’s what Madonna does–or is that Kabbalah? Hm…) Your spell casting might just summon an inheritance– but not one worth millions of dollars or anything. No, this inheritance will likely be a recipe from grandma or, idk, deeply-rooted ancestral wounds. Something like that…  

Virgo & Virgo Rising ♍

Jupiter is again smack dab in your 7th House of Partnerships. 

     Expect your personal and professional relationships to prosper and multiply. At work, everyone flocks to you for your sage advice, like you’re Saul Goodman or Beyonce–who’s also a Virgo, btw. Ooh, know who else is a Virgo? Zendaya, Keanu Reeves, Gloria Estefan. WAIT. The seven-time Grammy-award-winning, Cuban-American Miami Sound Machine singer, GLORIA ESTEFAN, IS A VIRGO? I’m so jellie, rn… 

Libra & Libra Rising♎

Jupiter gets to work in your 6th House of health responsibilities again.

     Day-to-day duties expand (again), and you gain more responsibility at work, secretly resenting it because you’re all about passive-aggressive complaining. Or perhaps you consider a job that feeds your soul and not just your wallet? Jeez, must be nice to have options. The rest of us are out here hating what we do, but oh, no, Libra gets to choose… 

Scorpio & Scorpio Rising ♏

Jupiter re-bumps into your 5th House of Love, Creativity, and Pleasure.

     Let’s just say it: you’re gonna have a blast during this transit. Your muse is at your beck and call and you can easily create whatever art you fancy. You just feel lighter and livelier, and want to do as many fun activities as possible. This boosts your confidence, which attracts a few potential suitors. Lucky son of a bitch… 

Sagittarius & Sagittarius Rising ♐

Jupiter re-cozies up in your 4th House of Home and Family. 

     A major move or home renovation may be in the works once again. Jupiter encourages you to move…into a bus or something similar. That, or you have a baby and get a nursery. If you’re too young for, or uninterested in child-rearing, then someone else—parent, relative, manchild—moves in with you and makes you wish you had moved into that bus… 

Capricorn & Capricorn Rising ♑

Jupiter re-slides into your 3rd House of Communication like an IG stalker slides into your DMs.

     Communication skills again skyrocket, but lean towards the symbolic and evocative. That is, you speak in metaphors and talk about your feelings (GROSS!). This is good if you’re a poet. And if you’re not, you can pretend to be! Close friends could also surprise you with a short trip. Just don’t go with Taurus, they’re part of a cult now… 

Aquarius & Aquarius Rising ♒

Jupiter returns to your 2nd House of Personal Values and Possessions

     Expenses, income, and self-worth expand. You’re gonna be making money, spending money, then getting another job to make even more money because you keep spending money on things that make you feel good about yourself. Here’s a thought: don’t do this. It’s fine to spoil yourself, but going broke in the process ain’t worth it… 

Pisces & Pisces Rising ♓

Jupiter re-enters your 1st House of Personality

     Pathways for personal growth re-open, but they may look a bit blurry—like your vision after that second box of wine. Lol, isn’t alcoholism a gas? Still, synchronicities, serendipity, and some other word that starts with S abound. It’s a cinch to achieve your goals if you apply just the right amount of passive resistance, which you probably won’t. So there… 

Soooo what’s Retrograde Jupiter in Pisces gotta do with Jaws 3-D? Absolutely nothing. It’s called click-bait, bb.

     Want more astro-logic from Cosmic? Head on over to Cosmic Chronicles: Astrology with Cosmic Cannibal to listen to this Jupiter in Pisces horoscope and many more hilarious and vague astrology satires. Oh, and follow me on IG and TikTok (@coscmiccannibalcamille), and be sure to get yourself a copy of my astrology book, The Zodiac Abstract. Yep, had to get that promo in there somewhere…