Venus in Sagittarius: STD or planetary transit? Let these horoscopes decide

Published in the Haven

     The temps outside might be getting nippy, but one planet is turning up the heat. On Nov. 16, Venus, the planet of love and money, enters fiery Sagittarius, where it will stay until God knows how long. Tbh, I could give a shit about this planetary transit, but I’m gonna tell you about it anyway. 

     Now, Venus loves everything related to relating, from dating and romance to flirting, making new friends and making whoopee. Mutable fire sign Sagittarius is one of the friendliest, most flirtatious, and biggest whoopee-loving signs out there, which is why this transit is gonna light a fire under your butt, which will then spread to your perineum before it infects your crotch. If you know what I mean. (Here’s a hint: It’s what Elvis was singing about in “Hunk of Burning Love” eh?)

     But seriously. During Venus in Sagittarius, our affections run hot, wild and unreliable just like Aaron Rogers’ pass completion. And since Sagittarius is a fire sign, pyromancy, pyromania or a sudden and intense interest in dinosaurs like the pyroraptor are likely. 

    Word of caution, though: Venus in Sagittarius makes our appetite for life, love, food, travel and luxuries so ferocious we may end up overindulging, overspending, or going overboard by overscheduling nights out with our newly found friends. Or we may watch the movie Overboard incessantly (the old one with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel, though, not that 2018 Anna Faris piece of shit).

     Of course, how 2022 Venus in Sagittarius affects you depends on your Rising sign, so without further ado:

Your 2022 Venus in Sagittarius Horoscope

     Wait, wouldn’t you rather listen to your Venus in Sagittarius horoscope? Of course you would! Which is why you should check out my podcast Cosmic Chronicles: Astrology with Cosmic Cannibal. There you’ll find an episode for these Venus in Sagittarius horoscopes and many, many others. OK. Now you can keep reading.  

Aries ♈

     Alright, it’s time to have a good time. No–It’s time to have a GREAT TIME! I’m talking bowling, skeeball, and so many fucking trips to Chuck E Cheese. Just don’t fall in love with the anthropomorphic rat-turned mouse–if he can switch species that easily, he can break your heart too…  

Taurus ♉

     Try something new in the boudoir! I know you love your routine almost as much as you love eating cupcakes and smoking weed, but a change of pace is worth your while–and your partner’s. So, summon your inner Samantha Jones and buy some nipple clamps or butt plugs or something…  

Gemini ♊

     Good news: everyone’s out to get you–but don’t worry: you can run away from any situation with ease. Problem is, when you’re running away from one thing, you tend to run into other things. And those other things tend to be on fire. So maybe avoid fire this month? Yeah…

Cancer ♋

     Cut the brooding and get practical about your life! Oh, who am I kidding? You’re one of the most impractical and romantic signs alive. Still, the stars say that you will meet a Kevin who can make you laugh. Question is: is it Kevin Costner? Kevin Hart? OR Kevin McCarthy?… 

Leo ♌

     Let there be light! After a month of feeling all dark and broody, an abundance of egotism and self-serving behavior is shining down on you. The universe is now giving you permission to do whatever the hell you want and act as crazy as Kanye West and Donald Trump combined…  

Virgo ♍

     Venus in Sagittarius sees you flying the coop to seek refuge from your family. We both know they either annoy or bore you to pieces (or both), which is why you’ve gotta get the fuck away from them. That, or you stay put and resent their annoying/boring asses until 2023… 

Libra ♎

     Love may be just around the corner–just like in one those shitty Hallmark romcom movies my Dad watches. So, go strike up a convo with that cutie at that coffee shop. The result could be a Hallmark romcom moment that would make any sensible human wanna gouge their eyes out…  

Scorpio ♏

     Someone needs to watch their spending. Or maybe not. Maybe you’re making more money? Fuck, idk. I just know that either way, your budget is affected, and it’d be wise to temper your lust for luxuries. So say goodbye to Pule Donkey Cheese, and hello to Popeyes $5 Big Box…    

Sagittarius ♐

     Share yourself! Venus gives you confidence and tact, which you often lack, you loudmouthed son of a– Actually, it’s spooky because all that tact and charm sees people falling at your feet in adoration. Not literally, of course. Who do you think you are, Daenerys Stormborn? I don’t think so… 

Capricorn ♑

     Could it be that you’re falling in love? Hardly. You’re too cynical to love anything, except money. (Seriously, you love money more than Elon Musk loves firing people.) So, why don’t you and your wad(s) of cash get married already? I think human-moolah marriages are legal in some states now…

Aquarius ♒

     Alright, Thanksgiving dinner invites are piling up, and everyone wants you to stuff your face at their table. You’re already wondering how you’ll eat all that turkey, potatoes and stuffing without puking. Hey, if Joey Chestnut can eat 76 hot dogs without retching, you can handle a few turkey dinners…

Pisces ♓

     Professional pursuits run smoothly. Well, OK. What I mean is, your co-workers should hate you less (if you stop whining about having to work all the time). Another option: they hate you more and you have to find another job, but can’t because no one will hire you. Too mean?

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