5 things that don’t suck about Scorpio

Published in the Haven

With Scorpio season a part of the past, I’m realizing there’s more to the fixed water sign than all that sucky brooding, pessimism, vengeance and possessiveness we often hear about. I mean, would you say Scorpios Pablo Picasso or Whoopi Goldberg suck? Uh, no. Picasso is a painting genius and Whoopi was in Sister Act (an Oscar-worthy movie, IMO). Still, artistry and impersonating a nun aren’t the only un-sucky things about this sign. Which is why I’ve drummed up a list of things that don’t suck about Scorpio.

The list is as follows:

Hey-oh!

Scorpios are Strategic Masterminds

Two words: Kris Jenner. She’s a Scorpio, btw–as if it isn’t evident in her ingenious marketing and PR strategy actions and behavior. I mean, only a Scorpio could:

  1. Put up with all the bitching and whining of their megalomaniacal daughters and make them each famous (in their own way).
  2. Make a million-dollar legacy and several TV shows out of their untalented and– let’s be honest–uninteresting family, just by broadcasting their drama.
  3. Not wanna stab Ryan Seacrest for being, well, Ryan Seacrest. Oh, and also buddying up with the right people to make shit happen.

Seriously. Every Scorpio alive has the patience, tenacity, ruthlessness and cunning mind for strategy and PR that Kris Jenner has. Y’all just need to find it.

Extremism is Scorpio’s natural, hidden talent

Ever heard of a little actor named Leonardo DiCaprio? He’s a Scorpio and he’s famous for effortlessly giving emotionally raw and extreme performances on screen. Martin Scorsese, another Scorpio, is famous for capturing such extreme performances. Macho Man Randy Savage, another Scorpio, is likewise–and perhaps most famous for his extreme behavior.

I mean, first off, he didn’t just answer Mean Gene Oakerland’s questions about his wrestling opponents, he barked answers to the questions with an extreme intensity that often scared me as a young child. Plus, Macho Man didn’t just like Slim Jims, he LOVED Slim Jims. He loved them so much, he was willing to make the veins in his throat explode from all the yelling he did about them. Talk about extremism.

Drake is a textbook Scorpio

Ok. Maybe this isn’t so much a thing that doesn’t suck about Scorpio as it is a fun fact about the water sign–but hey, it’s a fun fact that doesn’t suck. So, moving on. Yes, Drake, with all his intense feeling and emotional rumination, is a textbook Scorpio. (Um, hello: he even named an album after his sign.) Here’s how and why:

Scorpio has a lotta love to give. People of this sign are extra feely and sensitive to slights–in fact, their emotions run deep. Scorps can be moved to tears, rage, hostility, or rapture with a single careful or careless deed, but they absolutely hate being vulnerable. If that doesn’t remind you of the famous Canadian rapper and singer / interfering Toronto Raptors fan / former Degrassi: The Next Generation cast member, I don’t know what would.

Scorpio is hella suspicious and cynical, but you know, in a good way

Indubitably, as a water sign, Scorpio approaches the world from a place of fear, distrust, and suspicion. This is because unlike their water sign homies Cancer and Pisces, who seem to enjoy getting hurt all the time, Scorpio hates being vulnerable and distrusts anyone who tries to force them to be so. I’m trying to think how this can be considered a good thing…

Oh, I know: you can’t fool a Scorpio. Because of their natural distrust of pretty much everyone and everything, they’ve got razor-sharp intuition and can suss out a lying, cheating, thieving jerk-off quicker than Pisces can daydream. This is good because you can rest assured knowing you’ll never be lied to, abused by, or betrayed by a Scorpio. Not unless you deserve it.

Scorpio is Ruled by The Planets of War and Death

I mean, could that be more badass? Pluto, the planet of death, rebirth and transformation, is the day ruler of Scorpio; and Mars, the planet of action, aggression and war is the night ruler (i.e.: it’s the planet first assigned rulership over the sign, prior to the discovery of Pluto). And both planets have a serious effect on the Scorpion.

Thanks to Pluto, the planet of all things hiding behind the surface, Scorpio likes to dig deep into their emotional and psychological mines to exhume all the uncomfortable shit those other weak-ass other signs stash in their subconscious. And with war-monger Mars also steering their ship, Scorpio is a natural fighter and survivor. So, not only will a Scorpio face discomfort with bravery, but they’ll also get off on it. After all, both Mars and Pluto are low-key sadists.


So, there you have it: 5 things that don’t suck about Scorpio. Oh, and just an FYI: The bulk of the information in this post comes from my ebook on the zodiac’s first, last and only fixed water sign, Scorpio: The Shroudwhich you can purchase here.

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