Your 2022 Mercury in Capricorn Horoscope

Published in The Haven

     2022 may finally be slowing down, but astrology is picking up. On Dec. 6, Mercury, the planet of thinking and writing, moves into pragmatic earth sign Capricorn, where it will be for a long fucking time. Seriously. Mercury enters the earth sign, then stations retrograde on Dec. 29, before stationing direct in Jan. 2023. 

     During Mercury in Capricorn, your thinking is more serious, more methodical and more attuned to money-making, organizational or career-boosting schemes. So, if you find yourself researching the ins and outs of bitcoin, dogcoin or some other form of cryptocurrency– GrimaceCoin, DoritosCoin, Nic Cage coin–you’ll know why. If not, then whatever. 

     Mercury can bring a lot of mental activity and curiosity to a particular area of your life. With the planet in Capricorn, a sign that’s also in LOVE with power and success, you’ll be stubbornly obsessing over your LinkedIn Profile or binge-watching business TV shows like Succession

     Of course, all of this depends entirely on where Mercury is transiting your chart. So, without further ado:

Your 2022 Mercury in Capricorn Satiriscope

Aries ♈

     Surprise! You’re once again thinking seriously about your career goals. And if you’re uncertain about what those goals are, maybe you should work on that. Do some introspection. Or get in a fight, idk. Writing on Medium.com might be a new professional avenue to explore. JK. No one writes on Medium to make money… 

Taurus ♉

     A steady interest in travel and spirituality surges, thanks to Mercury in Capricorn. You could fly to a faraway place, slurp some Ayahuasca and hallucinate harder than Dua Lipa, or maybe you get born again. Either way, Mercury will have you preaching more than you practice and annoying the hell out of everyone… 

Gemini ♊

     Mercury in Capricorn makes it a cinch to handle joint finances. Suddenly, balancing your checkbook and/or buying the newest crypto is your new favorite task. That, or your unbridled curiosity about the stuff no one’s talking about–death, sex, taxes, Elon Musk’s weird face, etc.–urges you to dive headfirst into researching their true origins…   

Cancer ♋

     Relationships! They’re a thing! In fact, Mercury in Capricorn asks you to start thinking about your interpersonal communication and your relationships. Annoying, I know. Why can’t those bozos just talk to themselves? Because they’re needy AF–and really, so are you. Just saying. Hey, maybe you can start a conversation with a holiday card? Or not… 

Leo ♌

     Mercury in Capricorn creates a flurry of to-dos. There are so many damn chores and errands that demand your attention, you could scream. So, why don’t you? As you’re making that Target run or getting your teeth drilled at the dentist, just start screaming. Loudly. It’s a better stress reliever than yoga and meditation combined… 

Virgo ♍

     Mercury in Capricorn has you feeling mentally sharp and back to your petty, argumentative, holier-than-thou self. This helps you power through any holiday discussions and prove to those ingrates you call your family, who’s the real boss. That’s right: It ain’t Tony Danza, it’s Virgo, bitch. Yeah, they’ll see. They’ll ALL see. Very, very soon… 

Libra ♎

     Mercury in Capricorn brings loads of mental action to your homelife. This may mean you think about getting rid of your roommate–or you decide to charge them more rent. And if you’re sharing space with your family, you can expect to argue with them because that’s what families do. At least, that’s what mine does…

Scorpio ♏

       Social events are about to get a lot more serious, thanks to Mercury in Capricorn. You now have the mental energy to join a writer’s group, see some concerts— or not because spending money on that frivolous shit isn’t appealing right now. Mercury also has your brain buzzing–you should go to the doctor for that…    

Sagittarius ♐

     Mercury in Capricorn sees you pouring (nearly) all of your mental energy effort into money-making schemes. You’re thinking critically about potential side hustles like freelance writing, freelance graphic design or freelance photo and video editing. Basically, you’re wondering: What can I do to make more money? Here’s a thought: STOP SPENDING MONEY YA DUM DUM… 

Capricorn ♑

     Can you tell me why they made another Puss in Boots movie? No? Damn. Is that because Mercury in Capricorn is making you as sullen and sour as Snape, Eeyore and Edward Cullen combined and you don’t wanna talk to anyone? Seriously, though. Why did they make another Puss in Boots? The first one sucked… 

Aquarius ♒

       Mercury in Capricorn makes you wanna stay home, listen to Foo Fighter and journal until you feel like Dave Grohl or Edgard Allen Poe (that’s Edgar’s brother, btw). Really, you just hate people right now (that’s understandable). Which is why you should switch to remote work until you’re not so broody. That, or just quit… 

Pisces ♓

     Money, money. Crypto, crypto. Fisher Investments and other stuff I said Mercury in Capricorn was about, but haven’t really written about because I guess this transit can be about other things like: relationships, communication, writing, career goals, productivity and schedules, family, travel, journaling, functioning depression and anxiety, and apparently, the new Puss in Boots movie…     


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